Once upon a time, a strange, tiny, ugly blue planet was helped by a strange, big, ugly jaundice alien race. But this planet, as the Zentrans knew it, no longer exists. Four years after the departure of the Zentrans, a small rebel group of pure-breads, known as the Scarlet Pumpernickles, based in North Port, developed a secret weapon called The Toaster.
Baker, the leader, deployed his weapon near the home base of Turtle Mutant Soup (TMS) in an attempt to destroy the mutants. The Toaster was designed to release a deadly burst of atomic ionization energy with a field strength greater than 22 megaparsecs, while simultaneously creating random phase inversions that reacts with the inner meninges of water atoms, thus eradicating all non-starch based life forms, and frying eggs for supper. Salt shaker is included, only $1777.99.
However, they pressed the wrong button, because a double agent pickpocket known only as Aly, had covertly switched the labels 'fry eggs' and 'eject warp core,' resulting in the total destruction of every pure-bread, except for a small group of Japanese tourists in a nuclear-plant-turned-movie-theatre.
The only effect the blast had on the mutants was an odd change in their powers. It seems that the altered molecular structure of their bodies saved them from the radiation damage imparted to starchy substances.
Aly was pickpocketing the Japanese tourists at the time, and was therefore saved from the blast.
"Damage Report: Radiation has knocked out the central communications systems, and no information is available from outside TMS-base. Life support systems are still functional. Please enter emergency codes."
"Shut the fibble up!" screamed an enraged Dave. He was desperately searching for the snooze button on the control panel.
"Come back to bed, Dave," said a confused female voice.
The computer continued to advise them of useless information, as the various superheroes woke up.
Dave tried to detach his foot so he could throw it at the computer, but discovered that he couldn't. He straightened up, suddenly exclaiming, "I can't take my foot off, or hold my head up straight!" After a little poking and prodding from his friends, it was discovered that the muscles in one side of his neck had grown larger than in the other side.
Soon afterwards, Dean started to moan on the floor. He clambered to his feet and decided, as he did every morning, to morph into a huge waffle to stretch his sinews. Nothing happened as far as he could tell.
Dave laughed, "Your bum is shaped like a waffle, Dean."
Meg rubbed her eyes, and her thumb got stuck in her nose. She tried to pull it out, but it just kept on stretching.
"Ah!" Dave screamed, "Her thumb is really bendy!"
Meg wrestled it out and tried to knead it back into shape. Dean suggested it might be good for giving massages. Meg was not impressed.
As Leah reached up to help Dave with the snooze button, Dave noticed a long, thin stick protruding from Leah's wrist.
"You have a long, thin stick protruding from your wrist!" he yelled. Leah used the stick to press the snooze button.
"Well, gee," Leah asked."how did that get there?"
Kate awoke to discover that every hair on her body had mysteriously disappeared.
"Eeeewww," Dave said."you're bald." Kate gave Dave an evil glare, and suddenly all the fun fur from Meg's 'Bow-wow Boutique flew across the room and began to slap Dave repeatedly across the face.
"Stop it!" Dave yelled, "There is a whole bunch of fun fur slapping me repeatedly across the face!"
"I can't figure it out," puzzled Kate, "I think I've lost 60 I.Q. points!"
"60 I.Q. points is a lot!" exclaimed Dave.
"Dave, shut up!" expostulated Helen, "You suck!"
"Why, you just insulted me, Helen!"
"Yes, Dave, I did. Now shut the fibble up!" said Helen once again.
Dave smiled meekly.
Helen turned to look out side to the city. A huge pigeon blocked her line of sight. "Oh, shoooo pigeon." she said, pointing to it. The pigeon looks surprised as it flew upwards into the sky without even unfurling its wings. Its sqwak could be heard as it ascended into the clouds.
Dave almost explained to the group that the pigeon had just left the windowsill, but felt afraid that Helen would beat him.
The lavalamp that is the centrepiece of the TMS headquarters glowed a little and Jessica, resembling just slightly a large gob of goo, fuschia in colour, flowed out onto the floor from the lamp. She looked a little displeased with her changed appearance. After a suitable amount of time birching about it, she quieted down as Lisa opened her eyes. Her head was swimming.
"Woa, my head feels a little like a whale sat on it. I am hearing lots of voices saying, 'feed me, feed me, wow, that was a good bubble I made, feed me...' What is wrong with me?" she asked.
"Do you hear splashing in the bathroom?" asked Meg.
Lisa lifted herself up, "I'll go see." She headed out.
Meanwhile, Kirsti woke up, lowing. She muttered something about her headache, then discovered, at the same time Dave did (and told us about it) that she was back in human form.
Lisa hurried back in from the bathroom, and exclaimed, "All the goldfish in our aquarium-toilet from Sears are splashing around going blub-blub. I can understand what they are saying!"
Kirstioei corrected her, "blooblabulba, don't you mean?"
"That sounded exactly like a fish." explained Dave.
The fun fur slapped him again, this time of its own will.
Jeff, the last to awake, jumped to his feet dynamically. He wanted to show off his muscles, as he did whenever he had a chance.
Leah piped up chirpily, "I'm sensing a pressure buildup in the northernly part of Jeff's arm."
He flexed his bicep, and was startled to see it fly to pieces all over the floor. "ow." he muttered.
"Why, Jeff, your bicep..." Dave's voice was strangled off partway by a passing pigeon, which suddenly flew into his mouth.
Dave tried to tell his friends that the pigeon was in his mouth, but they didn't seem to understand or care. Finally he lapsed into silence and sat, pigeon roosting comfortably, on the floor.
Kirsteeeepi started to trumpet and whale, waving her ears.
She went on, "Or as a human might put it, 'We've all developed new and unusual mutant powers. You see, Leah is a ditzy weather girl with a frightening pointer. Helen can control the flight of pigeons. Kate has ultimate power over all fun fur on Earth. Jessica can transport herself through Lava Lamps (tm). Meg has a very bendy thumb. Jeff can make parts of his body explode. Dean can shape-shift his butt. Lisa can communicate telepathically with goldfish. I can talk like any animal I want."
"What's Dave?" asked Leah.
Dave had finally managed to spit out the last pigeon feather. He explained, "My power has not been determined up to this point in the conversation."
"Ah, he can state the incredibly obvious." the entire group corused cheesily.
After a little fiddling with the TMS computer which had Turrett's Syndrome, they got a full damage report. The computer would occasionally be overtaken with spasms of twitching dials. Right now it was uncontrollably inserting the word 'fibble' between every few words.
"Fibbling communications have been fibble restored with the rest of the fibble world. All pure-breads have been fibble exterminated save a small fibble group of Japanese fibble tourists."
Meg tentatively asked, "Was Aly among those tourist?"
"Affirmafibbletive." responded the mechanical voice.
Dean hit the computer with a butt shaped like a hammer. The computer got out of its 'fibble' stint and seemed normal again.
Meanwhile, in the Japanese camp, there was trouble stirring. Aly was among the band. After a hard concussion in the blast, she had no memory of her previous life. They now sat in a circle, discusing what was to be done.
"We need to exterminate the mutants!" creid Gingseng-Tofu, who had named himself leader. His bermuda shorts and camera swung wildly at his side as he expostulated the joys of dead mutants.
"How, great leader?" said Teriakiandria, a cute little girl, with a gap between her front teeth.
"The Toaster!" he exclaimed.
A gasp went around the room. After what had happened, the great leader was going to use the Toaster?
"We will deploy the weapon inside the neighboring house to the TMS headquarters. It used to belong to some old hippy, who died in the blast. We'll lock it up really tight - no one will be able to get it. For even more insurance, we will make sure there are no shadows, by turning on all the lamps we have. Jessica is reported to travel by shadows. We'll post two guards outside, and detonate midnight tonight! Bwahahahahaha!"
The crowd cheered in admiration. Certainly no mutants could stop that plan.
The band dispersed to do various preparatory things, and Aly wandered off with her friend Teriakiandria to play with her goldfish. Teriakiandria had to go to the washroom, so Aly kept the fish company. Suddenly, while gazing at the goldfish, she was reminded of her good friend Lisa and her other mutant allies. It all came flooding back.
Tears coming to her eyes, she said, "Oh, if only I could tell my friends that the Japanese are planning to plant The Toaster in that old hippy's house and blow it up tonight!"
Teriakiandria came back and they decided to go outside and play hop-scotch.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lisa was receiving a telepathic signal from some distant cousins of her very own pet goldfish. She rushed to alert the group to the danger.
Planning started right away.
"Well, I'm sure they'll have a lot of guards and security systems. With our limited powers, do you think we can still save ourselves?" asked Lisa.
Jessica suddenly dove into the centrepiece lava lamp and disappeared. There was a stunned silence. In a few moments she reappeared.
"There's a lava lamp in the old hippy's house. I can get inside easily. Then I can open it to you guys." she explained. There was a lot of cheering.
"That's helpful." said Dave.
After a few hours of deliberating and hitting Dave for his various useful comments, the group was ready. Jessica went on reconnaissance and reported that there was no one in the house, and the weapon was armed.
Teriakiandria was persuaded by Aly while they were playing hopscotch to betray the group of Japanese tourist, including Teriakiandria's older brother, who loves to beat her up. Her older brother was going to be one of the guards. Aly and Teriakiandria planned to create a diversion to draw the older brother away from his post. That was as far as their limited reasoning could go.
"I know our powers can be of some use to us!" Dave said, trying to be helpful. He was immediately pecked in the nose by a passing pigeon.
At this time, the group was encroaching on the Hippy house, waiting for an opportunity to get inside. Suddenly, Dave yelled, "There's Aly!" as Aly waved to them and came running. She arrived, saying, "Duh!" to Dave.
Stories were quickly exchanged and a diversion plan arranged. Kirstghuti and Dean, with Aly leading them, went towards the front of the house, where Teriakiandria was waiting.
The older brother of Teriakiandria was suddenly distracted by a loud roar and a scream. He turned his head lazily toward the sound. There he saw his little sister in the jaws of a roaring lion. He ran to save her.
Dean ran forward, keeping his lion-shaped butt facing the brother, trying to draw him away. It worked! Dean felt very ferocious, with a roaring butt like his. Kirstpooi ran along in the shadows, making lion noises.
One guard had run off. The other guard was whistling a tune, waiting for the darkness to arrive. Meg, from a tree seven feet away, prepared her thumb for the trial ahead by massaging it with carrot juice. Then she took aim. She pointed her thumb carefully and shot a clear long shot right up the guard's nose. She lifted him into the air on her thumb and threw him into a nearby Nim Bin.
"Wow, I'm glad I'm not in that Nim Bin." said Dave.
Leah rushed over with her pointy stick and jammed the lid shut with it. She leaned over and told the guard, though the little air whole, all the juicy details about the weather system forming over Mozambique. There were muffled screams from inside the Nim Bin.
Dave added to his former statement, "I'm really glad I'm not in that Nim Bin."
Leah took a moment to poke Dave with her pointy stick.
"OW! That hurt, because it's pointy."
Jessica opened the lock from inside the building and the team rushed in. Dave said, "There it is." as the others carried it out.
On the lawn in front, Jeff made the supreme sacrifice. After the team had tied a large air balloon to the top of the machine, Jeff flexed his head and made it explode. The escaping hot air filled the entire air balloon and the machine was lifted to a safe distance in the atmosphere.
When it was just a tiny dot, Helen and Kate got together (after a suitable memorial service for Jeff - which was not easy, due to random nerve impulses from his detached spinal cord causing random explosions) and sent a pigeon covered in Fun Fur toward the machine. It flew up. They all waited in anticipation.
Somewhere far removed from civilization, a little metal machine came in contact with a pigeon who was very confused. The pigeon, in his glorious suit of superconducting Fun Fur, felt nothing as he died. The machine was short circuited and exploded in a shower of sparks and the small gears which never serve any purpose in any machine anywhere, in a large scale immitation of Jeff.
There were cheers from below. Dave said, "It blew up."
Another confused pigeon contacted Dave's face with a lot of force. He fell unconscious. There was more cheering.
Suddenly, Crystal-Corey (who had got his chip stuck half-in and half-out) said in a breaking voice as he arrived with blaster rockets, "How are you managing ruling the planet?"
Helen explained, "We just defeated a group of Japanese tourist terrorists."
Dave, coming around, said, "I was of no use at all."